Thursday, May 24
I have so much to say, but I don't know where to begin.
You and him, is there really nothing between you both? Is everything just a figment of my imagination? Of my buddys' imagination? Or is there something else you're hiding from me? When he calls you, you go running. I've never seen you say no to him, but to me? "No mood", "The other people make me uncomfortable". What's this? Aren't I enough for you? Apprently not.
Your problems. You tell me you choose not to share, why? Because you don't want to add to my burden. Well, you not telling me hurts more than anything you could ever tell me. I hate it when I know that something is wrong, but I don't know what, and you won't tell me. So what do I do? I play the goddamn guessing game with myself, and that game never ends.
Things are so different between us now. Don't you feel it? We used to find time to spend with each other. Now that we hardly see each other, I make time for you. "Why?" you ask? Because I love you and I miss you and nothing else is more important than you are. Now when you login, its, "Hi sweetie", then you're off somewhere, probably with him isn't it? So happily training with him when you told me that anegoing bores the shit out of you. You just go for the exp right? Why don't you ask me along then? You should know that I'd be willing to put everything aside, including my issues with him, to train with you. There's nothing else I would love more than to spend time, any time, anywhere, with you.
You tell me I'm pressurizing you by sacrificing everything for you. And you're afraid I expect you to do the same. Well, you know what? I guess I shouldn't expect anything from you now then should I? Everything goes to him and your guild, nothing to me. I get fuck in return. Maybe I shouldn't give up everything for you? But that would mean that I didn't love you. It would mean that I didn't care. At least do the minimal? Before you go off, why don't you look for me, just to say "Hi"? That cheers the fuck outta me you know that? A simple gesture from you, just a slight effort to show me that you love me, makes me happy as hell. Or in between trainings, where do you go? Why're you always with him? Or with someone else? You tell me you're coming to look for me, you cc into my channel, then never show. I track you, you're in town, I'm in fm, and who else is in town? Him. I try to add you to party, but you're already in one? With who? I log in to your account to have a look, and its him in the party with you, only the two of you. We used to party up whenever we met, and you'd be the one to instigate it. Now? I don't see any of that at all. And in msn, we used to be so close, your little gestures really mean alot to me you know? The smiles, hugs, gentle kisses, mean the world to me. Now there's close to none of that.
Why won't you share with me whatever's bothering you? Cause you think I'd just shrug it off and ask you to give up? Whatever made you think that I'd react that way? I care so much for you, and whatever's important to you is sure as hell important to me too. That's why I keep asking what's wrong, but you keep pushing me away, shutting me out. "Rome wasn't built in a day" you said. Fine I'll give you all the goddamn time you ever need. I'm just so afraid you'll be like everyone else, who walks away from me, without word or warning, leaving me back where I started, alone. Maybe you feel that I'm forcing you to change? Fine, I'll stop asking you what's wrong and if you're okay, I'll stop showing you how much I care about you. I'll just leave you the fuck alone. But to me, its not fair if I'm the only one telling you my problems, and you're just keeping yours to yourself. I'd rather not tell you anything at all.
You say you miss me whenever you don't get to see me? Then why don't you make time to see me? I don't see what's so difficult about relogging into a character that's where I am, saying hi, and going back to whereever you were. Or you can always ask me to meet up. You've never done any of that recently. I have been the one asking you if you're free, if you have time for me, and want to do something together. Where's your sense of initiative? Do you know that deep inside, I'm begging, hoping and praying that you'll ask me if I wanna train with you, ask me if I'm free and wanna do something with you.
Baby, things have changed between us. I dare say that you've changed. I've never been anything but open and honest with you but yet I see you hiding things from me. I make sacrifices because I love you and care for you, and I'd rather suffer than see you suffer. I am willing to strip my heart for you, all of it, and talk this through with you, but you keep running. You keep running away from all this, from me. Its not going to solve everything, its just going to make things worse.
I miss you so much, the way we were. Before any of this. Nothing will be the same anymore, you can't just ignore it all and move on. It can never be the same, but it can be better, if you try with me. Cause I'm trying to hard to understand you, to be a part of your life. Don't push me away from you, don't shut me out. Please, I'm begging you. I want to make it work, for us both.
I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah it sure is hard to do
I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill
Climbing up a hill
I'm tired but I can't sleep, hungry but I can't eat. I can't think about anything else other than us, what's wrong, and how to fix it. What about you? What're you thinking about now?
I don't want this to be our long goodbye. Please.
And the time you said that this is forever..
